Pastoring God's People

For all those who have been commissioned to pastoral roles of all kinds.

Saying “sex” in church

by Tom and Sally Hoover

How do we as pastors embrace the sexuality of God’s people? How do we create safe spaces and become safe shepherds, entrusted with sexual questions, struggles, and wounds? How do we welcome into God’s household the sexuality that God created and called “very good”?

Sexually active, sexually interested people are in our pews every Sunday. They embody human sexual realities: starry-eyed newlyweds, bleary-eyed young parents, a childless couple praying for a miracle, a closeted gay man, grandmas and grandpas, a post-mastectomy wife doubting her sexual validity, awakening adolescents, an abused wife, a molested child, a promiscuous daughter, a sexual-abuse perpetrator, a widow grieving solitary nights, a single man grieving a solitary life. As they gather under God’s big umbrella, they intuitively check their sexuality at the front door. They know “we don’t do sexuality in here.”

Sexually active, sexually interested people are in our pews every Sunday.

A number of years ago, we decided to “do sexuality in here.” As youth Sunday school teachers, we felt troubled by the unhealthy messages of our sex-obsessed, yet sex-phobic society. We recalled the desire in our own youth for adults to be willing to risk candor about sexuality. We decided that this new generation that came to the table every Sunday was worth the risk. With parental permission, we prepared a study on sexuality.

We will never forget the first class! As the topic was introduced, saying the word sex was unavoidable. We had never heard or spoken the word sex in church before. Each time Sally cautiously uttered the word sex or sexuality, the teens giggled. It became apparent that the first hurdle was simply saying “sex” in the company of others. Spontaneously, Sally led the teens in playful utterance! We all said “sex, sexual, and sexuality” together. As we did, we laughed and laughed! Our laughter transformed our pretense and awkwardness. By our third class, a safe and precious space emerged. Two generations of God’s people explored our fearfully and wonderfully made sexuality together, in church.

This story characterizes our posture as copastors. We believe that a strong embrace of sexuality is essential for healthy spiritual life and effective pastoral ministry. During Tom’s training and ten years as a marriage and family therapist, sexual stories lost their taboo; they became for him part of the human story. Our own personal and marital journey toward sexual wholeness birthed deep convictions about healthy sexuality. Pastoring together allowed us to carefully, comfortably use our personal experiences as a springboard for welcoming the sexuality of God’s people “in here.” How can we as pastors enlarge our capacity to welcome sexuality into the life of the missional congregation?

1. Be self-aware.
Examine your sexual beliefs, biases, behaviors, and experiences. Know yourself as a sexual person. Seek healing for sexual wounds in therapy and with a spiritual director.

2. Be real with others.
Sexuality is private, but not secret. Lend your personal story of sexuality for the growth and healing of others. One can find tasteful, setting-appropriate ways of addressing issues of sexuality in the congregation.

3. Maintain appropriate sexual boundaries.
Crossing sexual boundaries is one of the most damaging human-to-human violations. Model and call others to the highest sexual ethic possible!

4. Educate yourself about sexuality, particularly male-female differences.
A general familiarity with sexual issues across the life span makes one’s pastoral care more relevant and accessible for inevitable sexual changes and struggles.

5. Establish safe forums for dialogue.
Do not wait for sexual hot button issues to erupt. Samegender and mixed-gender forums serve different purposes; both are essential. Utilize resources within and beyond your congregation.

6. Clarify your guiding principles of pastoral care regarding sexuality.
When distressing circumstances arise without warning, one can act more decisively and responsibly if acting on principles rather than reacting to anxiety or fear. One guiding principle might be: “Act on behalf of the most vulnerable party.”

7. Care for structural aspects of congregational life regarding sexuality.
Formal processes, such as adopting a sexual-abuse policy, offer safe frames for discussion, develop shared understandings, and build common language.

8. Advocate for sexual integrity; risk offending the offensive.
Silence is complicity where sexual abuse, violence, or impropriety is involved. Develop a prophetic voice!

9. Reconnect body with soul.
Spirituality and sexuality are interwoven threads in life’s complex tapestry, not disjointed parts of a compartmentalized self. One necessarily impacts the other. When we focus solely on spirituality, God’s people strain under the silencing and alienation of our sexual selves.

As pastors, may God strengthen us to choose for ourselves the sexual and spiritual vitality toward which we invite God’s people. Let’s welcome sexuality “in here!”

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Tom and Sally Hoover served as copastors of South Seventh Street Mennonite in Reading, Pennsylvania, from 2001 to 2007, a congregation featured in the first issue of Leader magazine, and in the Mennonite Media video “In This Time, In This Place: Five Missional Stories.”