Tending Body Life
For deacons, elders, and others in caring
ministry and spritual leadership.
Confessions of a care-aholic
By Keith Harder
Shortly before Thanksgiving one year, I received a call from a family looking for an organization that repaired homes. Instead of referring them on, I arranged to see the situation for myself. I discovered eight people, including two small children, living in a one-room underground house with part of the back wall caved in. It was heated with a wood stove and poorly ventilated. The children were sick and coughing.
My rescuing instincts immediately went into high gear. It was clear to me that the house could not be repaired and that the family needed another place to live right away. They were not nearly as anxious as I was, and they continued to ask about repairs. This was their home and they were not eager to abandon it.
I engaged the help of others in our church and a neighboring church to find temporary housing and to build the family a new house. From our perspective, the housing problem was solved, and we had successfully modeled service and generosity.
But the family had never asked for a new house. As a consequence, they were never as involved in the project as we were. While we tried to consult with them along the way, their thoughts were never fully heard or honored. They did not stay in their new house for long, and a relationship with them never took root.
A drive to over-function
This project illustrates well a pattern of “over-functioning” in my pastoral ministry, a pattern that is rooted in deep-seated anxieties that I was not even aware of.
I was drawn to pastoral ministry partly because it provided opportunities to help people. I was eager and willing to serve others sacrificially. But from time to time someone would challenge me about how busy and intense I seemed. Some experienced me as controlling and demanding. I was urged to relax, slow down, learn to say no, and delegate more responsibility to others.
Slowly I came to see the truth in this counsel, but I found it hard to change. I would give up one responsibility but quickly replace it with two more. I tried to delegate more but found it hard to trust others to do what needed to be done. I began to see how part of my busy activism was in response to a fear of failure and a craving for affirmation. My well-intentioned efforts to help others functioned to meet my anxiety-driven needs.
Anxiety—the root of over-functioning
In the July/August 2004 issue of Clergy Journal, Margaret Marcuson writes: “Stepping back from over-functioning is not simply about delegating more or working as a team. There’s a deeper level—letting go of responsibility for other people and even for the success of an institution.”
For some of us, “letting go of responsibility for others” and overcoming our tendency to do too much will involve a deeper understanding of ourselves. Marcuson says, “When we focus on ourselves as helpers, on managing our own anxieties, and on maintaining clear boundaries—having a deep sense of our own purposes and values—we are able to be present with others in ways that respect their own resource and individual characteristics.”
Recognizing often-ignored anxieties, managing them better, and maintaining clearer boundaries are the stuff of my current journey as a leader. I have become more alert to physical symptoms of anxiety. I am coming to recognize that I tend to respond to anxiety by talking too much or inappropriately exerting control and doing too much.
This awareness also led to more curiosity about my family of origin and the emotional forces that continue to influence me. There was lots of conflict in my family of origin. My father was estranged from the church and frequently absent from home. My desire for his companionship and affirmation was often disappointed. I often found myself between Mom and Dad trying to be a peacemaker.
Growing up in this highly anxious and conflicted environment and assuming far too much responsibility in our family put me on a course to over-function later in life. My need to be needed reflects my attempts to quench a craving for affirmation and recognition. My need for control was partly the result of my need to make order in the midst of disorder and conflict.
Overcoming such toxic patterns is a life-long process. And it has driven me deeper into the grace of God. A deeper awareness of God’s care for me, and for all those in need, helps me become less willful about what I think must be done. I long to grow in my capacity to entrust difficult situations into God’s care, and to realize that my part in what God is doing might be different than what my anxiety-driven impulses might first suggest. I often recall Jesus’ words to hard-working Martha, “You are worried and distracted by many things” (Luke 10:41).
Letting go without under-functioning
Not everyone is prone to overfunction. Nor should any of this be construed as an excuse to ignore the needs of others. Even as some of us overfunction in responding to the needs of others, some of us under-function, and do less than we could. I suspect that my over-functioning may actually aid and abet the underfunctioning of others. My assuming too much responsibility may actually relieve others of their responsibility.
The solution to overfunctioning is not simply to do less. My goal is to respond to needs with more clarity and to become less invested in particular outcomes. I think that I am actually more productive as I learn to manage my own anxiety. I hope I am emotionally healthier now than when I helped to build a house that no one wanted.
Every now and then I drive by that house we built. I wonder what happened to the family. I wonder how I would have responded to them with my current self-understanding. I wonder if the outcome could have been more constructive and life- giving for them, for me, and for the others who worked so hard and gave so generously.Keith Harder is Co-director of Congregational and Ministerial Leadership for Mennonite Church USA. He lives in Hillsboro, Kansas.