Tending Body Life
For deacons, elders, and others in caring ministry and spritual leadership.
Helping youth grieve
By Bob Yoder
I stood there in shock. How could this be? Did this really happen? Slowly, as I gazed upon the casket and lifeless body of my friend, numbness and disbelief overwhelmed me. Then, a gentle arm encircled my shoulders. I cast a brief glance to see who it was before resuming my sorrowful stare at death. It was Lynn, who had been my youth sponsor a short nine months before my friend and I began college.
As Lynn stood beside me, the painful reality started to seep into my soul. My eyes filled with tears and my heart began to pound. I buried my head in his chest and sobbed, while agony flooded my body. Every so often I would look up, see my friend’s motionless body, then cry some more. For twenty minutes I repeated this ritual. Meanwhile, Lynn didn’t say a word. He just held me, stayed by my side, and wept with me.
Before age 18, half of our youth will experience a “disruptive” crisis, such as parental divorce, pregnancy, sexual abuse, death of a parent, or cancer.
G. Wade Rowatt, Jr., author of Adolescents in Crisis, would describe my friend’s death as a “disruptive” crisis. Other adolescent crises of this kind include suicide attempts, rape, parental divorce, pregnancy, sexual abuse, death of a parent, and cancer. Rowatt suggests that up to half of our youth will experience such a crisis before they reach the age of 18. Disruptive crises are deeper than the normal crises that accompany adolescent development. Nevertheless, all crises force young people to encounter grief.
As adult spiritual caregivers, will we help our youth grieve at times of crisis, or will the pains go unresolved and unattended? I believe that unresolved grief has expressed itself through the rise of teenage suicide attempts, one of the leading causes of adolescent death, as well as a marked increase in those suffering from eating disorders, teenage depression, and substance abuse.
What Lynn did for me that day more than fifteen years ago seems simple: He stood there and kept his mouth shut. His actions let me know that he was there for me and was listening to my pain. His comforting, safe presence enabled me to begin my own grief work, as he too shared in the grief. All of these factors are important for any adult caregiver who wants to help youth grieve. If you are helping youth through “disruptive crises,” you may want to consider the following additional actions toward healing:
Story-telling
Provide opportunities for youth to share feelings, experiences, and stories in one-on-one and group settings. Knowing that you want to hear their stories of grief or struggle, past or present, can encourage them to share verbally when they are ready. And be prepared to share from your own experience. The youth may take their own cues of how to grieve from you.
Rituals
Set aside sacred times and engage in holy acts that will help youth grieve their disruptive and developmental crises. Regular prayers for healing or times of anointing will provide opportunities for youth to grieve and may permit them to discover hidden emotions. Rituals help create an environment where youth and God may greet each other, inviting God’s encouraging Spirit to move in their lives in unexpected ways that lead to healing or transformation.
Lament
Teach your youth how to lament. The largest category of Psalms is lament, outnumbering those of praise and thanksgiving. Biblical lament is not simply complaining. The laments involve a prayerful movement of venting one’s raw emotions to God, then remembering God’s goodness, and eventually praising God and declaring trust in God. Sometimes I wonder if adults are too quick to teach youth to praise God—before they have even had time to grieve their struggles, frustrations, and anxieties.
Hope
This gift can seem inaccessible when young people experience crisis. Youth need spiritual mentors to help them experience hope. One way to offer this is through your example, your listening, your honest caring, and your verbal encouragements. Another way is to point out connections between their current grief experience with the broader “God story,” which includes suffering and grief (the cross) followed by hope (resurrection).
However you serve your youth, they need to know that grief is a normal part of life, and that it expresses itself differently in people. As an adult spiritual caregiver, your role is to attend to the specific needs youth have and to respond in appropriate ways.
Bob Yoder is conference minister of youth and young adults for the Indiana-Michigan Mennonite Conference, and assistant professor and director of youth ministry at Goshen (Indiana) College.