Tending Body Life
For deacons, elders, and others in caring
ministry and spritual leadership.
When people act like jerks
By Arthur Boers
A shrinking church decided it had too many pews. It wanted to reduce the number of seats and arrange them more intimately. But Richard [names and details are disguised in this column], an elderly widower, refused to comply. He insisted on sitting on the back pew, and refused to change, even though the congregation believed this change was best.
Was Richard just stubborn or arrogant? Did he have mental health or emotional issues? Was he perhaps even evil, like those dreaded “clergy killers” that some fear?
A church leader did the obvious—he sat in that pew with Richard, and asked why that particular pew was important. Richard recalled that when his wife still attended church with him, they always sat together in this place. The aisle is wider there, making room for her wheelchair. Sitting there reminded him of her, giving him the sense that she was still there with him. Suddenly his obstinacy looked different.
Intense conflict in the church is one of the biggest challenges pastors face. There are many sources of conflict: mental illness, emotional reactions to stress, misplaced zeal, or ignorance of good group process and decision making. Occasionally, it can arise from sinful motives. The way we respond to difficult behavior depends on its cause.
In dealing with difficult persons, we often feel forced to make false choices. We think we must either treat people gently and pastorally, honoring their perceived needs; or we must set boundaries and rein in destructive behavior. It is possible to do both. In fact, to work at one without the other is dangerous and damaging. To ignore the congregation’s discernment in the face of Richard’s stubbornness is not appropriate, but neither is it right to run roughshod over his feelings.
Many congregations are held hostage to the unhealthy antics or misplaced emotional needs of one or a few persons. That disrespects the congregation and reinforces dysfunctional behavior. It also disrespects those acting in inappropriate ways, as it does not call them to account for their own good and the good of the church. And yet, the best way to make a church healthy is not by trying to get the unhealthy to improve but by building on the strengths of those who are already healthy, who are best able to help the church grow.
In the face of misbehavior, basic conflict transformation rules apply:
1. Listen in depth to everyone and then listen some more.
2. Encourage people to disagree and express different opinions.
3. Stay in touch with all the parties in a conflict.
4. Know and be able to state what you believe is important without demanding that others agree.
5. Discuss issues calmly and civilly, using the Mennonite guidelines, “Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love: Commitments for Mennonites in Times of Disagreement.”
6. Insist the group needs to make decisions, not give in to the antics of one or a few.
It is inevitable, given our humanness, that at virtually any time some people in a congregation will be deeply unhappy and some may never be satisfied. In our technological culture, we expect all problems to be solvable, but that is not always so. People are not technical devices who can always be repaired or replaced. Sometimes we just have to suffer with each other. We grow best when we need to learn new ways to work and live together. We gain most from relationships when they are demanding.
In dealing with difficult people and circumstances, a little humor helps. And attending to the concerns of individuals, without letting them exercise veto rights, is always good. For instance, Jackie loathed the church dramas her pastor loved to stage. They had many sharp exchanges and no progress was made. Finally, the pastor decided to warn Jackie before any service with a play, so that she could decide whether or not to attend. She never missed one of those services, nor did she complain about them again!
A prayerful attitude is more important than gimmicks. Humans are complex—and, yes, sinful; now and then our best-laid plans do not work. Often we learn the most and the best when things go awry.Arthur Boers, who pastored the Bloomingdale Mennonite Church in Ontario, now teaches pastoral theology at Associated Mennonite Biblical Seminary, Elkhart, Indiana, and wrote Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behavior (Alban Institute).